Tuesday, December 31, 2013

There Goes 2013, Here Comes 2014

So here we are, New Year's Eve Day. The year has passed, another is on the horizon. As I reflect on the year, I think about how fast it went by! That's how time is, I suppose. The key is to not let it pass without living it. We've had a busy 2013. We did some camping, but not in any new places. I hope 2014 brings us more adventure--and by golly it's going to happen! Quinn fished for "real" (no hook) this year, and seemed to enjoy it. He is such a great adventurer. This year was the first year that Quinn hiked and I wasn't freaking out about his safety. Now, I want him to scratch a knee. It's time. Speaking of The Adorable One--he had his world rocked this year by starting preschool. He left the Child Development Center (CDC)for a real school. He hated the first couple of weeks, then realized that it wasn't chaos like the CDC had become, that he was important and teachers did care about him. He quickly decided he loved it. And I love that we got into our school of choice--I'm grateful that I have choices in the school my son goes to, and I'm super grateful that Jefferson County Schools have Charter Schools that are fantastic alternatives to the traditional school setting. I have admired the Waldorf and Montessori methods for more than 20 years--ever since college. I always said my kid is going to take advantage of a non-traditional school. And we are. Yes, I'm one of those crazy ridiculous parents (at least some people think so--and frankly I don't care) that want absolutely the very best for my kid and question everything. I will go out of my way and be nearly radical with my child's upbringing. Because I can. He's my kid. I have the means and methods to do so. Sorry for that tangent.... Anywho, 2013... I lost 25 pounds in 2013! That's pretty awesome. I will do another 25 in 2014. I like to take things slow. I like good food--a lot. It shows. :( But I do love myself just how I am and just want more clothing choices really. We decided to invest in the house even more than previous years and finally took the plunge and got windows for the whole house. We had a significant decision to make--sell the house, or keep it. We decided to keep it but could not stomach another year in a drafty house. So the decision was easy. We got windows, a garage door, and a new storm door and now we are warm!!! I can't wait to sell the house now...in a couple of years. We added a third to our Henry Pack this year. Bogart came to us in September and that little guy of only 18 months of age must have had a rough life before he was picked up as a stray. He was so skinny and sat for so long in the shelter. We had looked for a third for months and met many over that time, visiting a few different shelters in search of the one for us. Bogart, then Jimmy, entered the room and immediately, we knew we had to take him home. That's how love is--you know it when you feel it. And we were in love with this little guy. And, as we turn over the year, he has gained a pound or two and has blossomed. He is now "the Little-ist of the Littles" and I am absolutely smitten. I love how he runs and hides when it comes time to walk every evening. Yep, the little guy doesn't care to strut his stuff at night in the cold. I look forward to his continuing to grow and lose all of his fears that he must have had good reason to develop. Our other pack members, Duey and Abby, are doing ok! Duey is a little devil and poor Abby has been fighting a disease all year--Immune Mediated Polyarthritic Disease. She is on a host of drugs and cannot walk more than 10 minutes at a time, and not every day. So my girl who would walk miles with me is sadly sidelined--for likely the rest of her life. She taking it all in stride and her new sport is to see how much food she can steal in the house every day. She's doing very well in her new endeavors. Lexie the cat just shakes her head at all this dog stuff. In her life, she has trained 7 dogs. She's a trooper. We got bad news with Dad's diagnosis of renal cancer this year. And that news just kept getting worse and worse. As we close out 2013, all I have left is hope. And tears. And hope. Over the year we have been blessed--blessed with new friends, old friendships rekindled, current friendships nurtured. We have an amazing group of Quinn followers and are so grateful for all the fantastic caregivers who are committed to kids every day. Many of them continue to be in Quinn's life, if only just virtually. We have been likewise blessed with family--family get togethers that have brought us together after only a year apart and others more than 20 years apart. I am looking forward to 2014 for so many reasons! Hope is in my pocket every single day. And gratitude in the other. I never leave home with neither. But there's also new opportunities at work, a summer full of new adventures for Quinn's first summer break from school, a year with camping fun, a year with family and friends. Bring on the New Year!

Monday, December 30, 2013

Cancer

Cancer. What a crappy word. I'm a realist. I know cancer happens. I know cancer sucks. I know a lot of people aflicted with the big C. I know a lot of people who have survived cancer. I am in awe of all of them. It's like a battle--a true battle. They are battle worn, they have the scars--both physically and emotionally--to prove it. There's skin cancer, and breast cancer. I've had both in my family. Both seemed so easy to fix--so curable. A little of this, a lot of that and BOOM--all better. But now it's all different. Now it gets real. My Dad, MY DAD, has renal cancer--stage 4. Yes, it's serious. There's an 8% chance of a five-year survival. My dad has survived so much. He's an amazing guy really--crazy weird upbringing with a fair amount of struggle, military service, a career telephone company guy. He had to eat 10 pounds of bananas just to get accepted into basic training! We've struggled in my 46 years. I remember a Dad as I was growing up that was irritable, impatient, and generally annoyed by me. That's how I felt anyway. They divorced when I was 12--he began a new life and my life got extra shitty. Or maybe that's when my awareness of my lot got the best of me. Who knows. My teen years absolutely sucked. My Dad had a new family, my life was a mess of broken-heartedness, rage, craziness. And I'm not talking just about me. My Dad and I didn't have much of a relationship. A lot of shit happened that really sucks. Finally I escaped to college. Life was still tough, but damn it--I'm going to survive and change my family tree. I joined the military. I'm still sad that no one from my family came to my basic training graduation. It's one of those significant events in your life that no one cares about. It's like a tree falling in the forest when no one's around. I graduated college. My Dad and others came to my graduation party. My Mom and Dad were in the same house for the first time in years--and it wasn't pretty. It was ridiculous. Divorce sucks for the kids, by the way. It tears relationships apart. I could have been Daddy's girl. I may have been, but I don't know it. I married. I remember at my first wedding, dancing with my Dad--he cried and I cried. I knew then that he did love me--and loved me with his entire being. Then I moved to Germany. I didn't have really strong ties to Dad (or anyone else at this point... I was outta here). I moved back. I divorced. My Dad and I started rekindling a relationship--one that continues to build still today. On a work-related trip to Arizona, I met my Dad there, who was also working in Arizona. We drank together. We turned a corner in our adult daughter-Dad relationship that day. He came for visits to my home in Maryland. He traveled far to see me. He and my step-mom came to help me when I had surgery. I had a hard time accepting help, but it was nice for someone to go outta their way to actually do so. We traveled together to see his Mom, my Grandma, in Missouri. I moved to Colorado. He traveled to support another surgery. He was there for my second wedding--traveling far again to support a significant moment in my life. He was my Dad--he is my Dad. My maturity now tells me that perhaps he was always there, but there were lots of factors that got in the way of forging a healthy Father-Daughter relationship with my Dad. I took him for granted; he took me for granted. Here's where it gets real folks. My Dad is fighting the fight of his LIFE. It's breaking my heart, seeing him do this. It's not the physical pain and discomfort--there's lots to do about that. It's the emotional grief, it's the realization that he knows he's sick. And really sick. He has an amazing woman at his side--she's been there for over three decades. She is strong. She is amazing. He is very lucky. Listen, I know no one leaves this life alive. I get that. But I didn't expect this guy, who just this summer was camping and moving non-stop, to barely move from one point to another in his home without support. I need a miracle here--I need more time with this guy.